Moment of Reflection

It’s never easy to look at one’s flaws, mistakes, and wish-I-could-do-over’s.

The sting of “Why did I do that” causes anxiety and depression, at least for me.

Often times, throughout the past year, my dreams have rummaged through hurts and insecurities and madness without my conscious permission; left me worn and confused, and wanting to correct mistakes, yours and mine.

I remind myself that your mistakes are your own.

Many times I have reminded myself that I have only ever had the power to correct mine, to climb out of the strange depths of “love” induced madness healthier and happier, with a greater sense of joy.

I have long since forgiven you.  I only recently have forgiven myself.

I hear you are healthy, happy, and dating.

One year later, it doesn’t sting quite as much, the dating part I mean.

I would be lying if I said the thought of you enjoying close intimate moments with someone else doesn’t prick just a bit…

I have never been good at letting go. We talked about that, you and I. You knew this.

I have many times pouted and cried to close friends, “This is different.”

Was it?

There was the rush of instant chemistry, blush of vulnerability, and a vision and immature reach into a future of forever.

There were signs you were not for me…the disapproval of friends who have known me for years, the secrecy of a love I wanted to shout about…the recognition that I could not, no matter how hard I tried, understand you. And no, you never understood me either.

I sat one day, and listed all of my mistakes and ridiculous behaviors. I had to own them, one by one, no excuses.

This isn’t to say that I think myself a horrible person, or less worthy of love, trust, and happiness.

It was instead a necessary part of healing, a part of letting go.

My very best friend and I had a brief discussion about all that has happened in the past year.  She marvelled at the fact that, still, a year later, I twitch uncomfortably at the mention of your name.  She came to the same conclusion I had come to long ago. I was really in love with you…

It WAS different.  I can say without a doubt that you are a part of a short list of great loves (2).  It was a great love, if but brief and chaotic. It was a great love, for all the painful lessons.

It was a great love, that I many times tried to forget by consuming every bit of alcohol within my reach.  It was a great love that I remembered even on hazy, panicked, regretful hangover mornings.

It was a great love, that I now carry with me voluntarily.

It was a great love, and perhaps you would disagree.

But then, that would fit perfectly into the story of you and I, wouldn’t it?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s